Not every at bat can be a hit.

Many moons ago, I sat in a classroom in Tallahassee, Florida on the path to becoming certified as an armed security officer in the State of Florida and listened to a retired police officer talk about the importance of first impressions. It was a concept I had completely ignored throughout my recent college career, but for some reason, that night it really spoke to me. I went home and immediately took the earring out of my horribly infected earlobe that had never quite healed after my girlfriend pierced it with a thumbtack on a night of heavy drinking. I was ready to start making a good first impression...something you only get one chance to do.

Fast forward many years to the mountains of western North Carolina to what seems like a lifetime away from that classroom in Tallahassee. Still aware of the power of first impressions I don't always find myself rising to the occasion as I would hope to, but sometimes end up like one of the bumbling protagonists that often find there way onto the pages of one of my screenplays.

Here are a few examples of less than perfect first impressions one can make when meeting an attractive female somewhere in your small town: [Inspired by actual events]

1. "Do I make you nervous? I'm assuming your dog sensed that you were tense and that's why it's barking at me. All the dogs in Japan hated me too because I scared their owners. White guys in Japan make older Japanese women nervous the way that black guys in America make older white women nervous. I got use to dogs hating me so maybe he's actually picking up my tension. Do you think it's you or me who's setting him off?

2. Working cash register: "William...that's a pretty name."
Attractive female customer: (unamused) "It's my dad's card."

3. Attractive female working cash register: "Anything else I can get for you?"
Me: "A phone number would be nice."
Attractive female: "You know I'm in high school, right?"
Me: "...Yes...um...I tutor Spanish, aaand I'm trying to build my clientele. You take Spanish don't you?"

4. As I work out alone in a small apartment complex gym, a lone female enters.
Me: "Hey, how's it goin'?"
No response.
Me: "Feel free to change the channel if you like. I'm not really watching this."
No response.
Me: "I'll probably be leaving in like 10 minutes anyway."
No response.
Me: "I promise I'm really working out and this isn't some Ted Bundy ruse."
No response.
I leave.

I've been blessed with some really good first impressions too, but as an anxious, neurotic, over-analyzing writer, it's the not so great ones that tend to stick with me. "Screenplay moments" I like to call them.

One of these days I might finally introduce myself to the cute neighbor who lives upstairs. Here's hoping it's a good first impression and not something that will find its way into my work.